So, Letting it Go
I fought of “loving” you to the extent of my heart literally aching when your not next to me for as long as I could… You had a silent way of making your move on my heart and sewing yourself in tightly to where I felt the pull of every step away. I tried to stand on my own two feet without falling into the beautiful horrible thing called love… but I fell… and I can’t push it down anymore… it’s a pill I can’t swallow… I can’t stand being away from you… at all.. I can’t stand not having you beside me to talk to- to ramble- to share every laugh with… to touch, hold and kiss… it’s driving me crazy… I just can’t get enough of you… and I want you all to myself..
-I hope you feel the same way…. I think you do.
Drunken words…
- you asked me to move in with you in August…
-but when the sun came up the next day…
you either didn’t remember…
or… you were to afraid to bring it back up…
-but incase you do remember… I hope you remember the part when I said:
yes.
it is never a good idea to stalk your boyfriends ex-girlfriends myspace page that hasn’t been touched since they were together…
….bad idea.
I’ve never been good at letting go. Ever. I can’t let go of my first love. My first kiss. My first anything… my first time to sit in a truck for hours trying to say good night. First time I heard someone tell me they love me. First time I played my guitar in front of someone… every little piece of firsts, every memory sticks and won’t let go… no matter how hard I try to force is away… and keep them down…
I remember them all.. I remember everything…
and tonight… I remember you… and I miss you.. I miss those days… I miss how free I was to have whatever it was I wanted… I miss how I there wasn’t a thing I could do wrong… and you’d still look at me that same way… -I miss being able to choose you.
Sitting across the fire and seeing your smile, you watched my every move as you sang all our songs… I remember you catching me before I fell each and every time- you caught me. I remember how you held me when I cried, how you laughed when I started stumbling over the words to my own song… how you begged me to play for your friends because you loved to hear me sing and brag about me being your girl. I remember how I couldn’t figure out what I wanted- but I always knew you were something special.. and you still are… I remember that much… Like the day you’re mom told me the news- and I took of work and drove three hours just to hold your hand and tell you that it was going to be okay- when I watched you cry and tell the one man in your life that you looked up to more than anyone… Goodbye. I wouldn’t miss being there for you like that for anything. Nothing could or ever will keep me from being there for you.
I can’t go back to those days, it’s pointless trying to try for that. I know. But more than anything I wish I could go back to those endless phone conversations- when I lived for the weekends, basketball games, and track meets just to see you… Oddly enough when things were “simple” and at the same time I was in a living hell of a home… but- still they were some of the best days of my life- those spent with you. L
But, I do miss you. -For whatever reason it’s supposed to be in the end… I’m not sure… But all I know is I’ll never forget you, or us. & I miss those days we had. -They were something… they were real.
Friend.
I watched you from across the room and you messed with your shirt tails in the mirror, complaining about how they were falling right at your sides, as you tugged on your shirt with one hand and ruffled your hair with the other, I got lost in watching the way you move… I got lost in thoughts of you.
I forget what it’s like I look at someone and memorize the way they “speak and smile” the way they walk, how their feet fall, and the arms sway… I want to memorize you, so I can picture it when your not around. & in speaking, I would only hope to think you felt the same way. At least, when you smile as you look back into my eyes, it seems that way. I’ve, honestly, never felt something so ”raw” and real and I haven’t doubted your intentions or thoughts about me thus far anyway.
More than the way I can see what you don’t say in your eyes, and at that… it’s what you couldn’t simplysay… it’s the way I see the changes within myself… &&thatyou couldn’t see… you didn’t know much of thebefore, and I’m not complaining, I like that… this time around, it’s better, anddifferentto actually get the chance to let someone see menow, not the methenandbefore.I’m not much of a fan of her myself… But, what I can see now, is that I smile… Ireallysmile, not that fake ass grin I give people just to make them shut up or just to please them. I feel, at ease, which is odd, because new relationships are so… uneasy, they’re actually nerveracking, at least every other one besides ours. Not much seems “new” about ours, other than the fact that it is, and it’s great… It’s hard to say whether the reason everything is so wonderful now is because of the “new’ness” or if it’s just because it’s what we’ve both been waiting for? Who knows… but I feel like we’ve both been waiting for someone to come along that has made us relax, feel wanted and feel … happy, period.
-Well, I hope that I’m that girl, and I hope you’re that boy for me…
But, I’m not worried about the “answers” to my many hopeful questions, I just want to enjoy the fact that right now… I don’t know the answers.. and be happy for that.
Because when I stopped trying to figure life out, it figured me out. :)
I remember thinking that it was impossible for me to find someone who was where I am that had all the things I want…
I remember saying that i’d never find my country boy in the city… who drives a truck, jam’s out to Cash and Hank, country period, wears boots, and like to go dancing, and a hella sports fan, just like me….
-I quit looking, and he found me.
I don’t know where it’s going, and right now, I honestly don’t care…
I’m just amazed at this point.
means that when I’m drunk and apparently throwing myself at you… you kiss me on the cheek and said “goodnight, kassiah”:) thankyou.
I missed you every second. My heart cried for your comfort, my mind for your words, my body for your touch… I longed to breathe you in since the moment I decided to leave you alone in the dark. With every step I questioned my decision, I worried myself sick with the thought of you not being okay. Where you eating? Where you sleeping? Where you walking around with those dark, sunken eyes that I saw everyday for two years before I got the pleasure of being able to light up and bring back to life… ? I picked up my phone so many times and had to force myself to put it back down, first because I thought I knew what I wanted, that if I just kept on walking in that direction it would get easier, then that just turned into guilt… that if i just popped up after so long, it would hurt you even more. And I should know, that kind of pleasant torture that makes your heart feel like it was set fire, where it takes every ounce of strength you have not to lose everything inside of yourself right there.. Stunned, shocked… sad, happy, and so angry that your head spins and everything goes black.
If I can’t tell you anything that you believe… more than anything else I wish I could tell you… I’d hope you’d believe me when I say: “I’m sorry…”
Now, that I’ve made my way back to you.
My lungs struggle for air when your not around, my mind races- worries about everything, and ever ounce of my being begs for your warmth, searching eyes, soothing smile and arms of steel that block out every danger, worry, and fear but yet, hold me to tenderly.. My life could literally be crashing down around me, down to the last brick, and when I feel your skin on mine, your voice in my ears, -it stops it all. I should know, you’ve done that so many times.
Truth is: I don’t need you to protect me. I just need to know that you can. I don’t need you to baby me, I just need to know that you will. I know I’m stubborn and insistent on being on my own- I don’t want you to take that away, or try, I just need you to tell me that you’re going to take care of me, whether I like it… or not.
I’ll always love you. -No matter what happens.
There’s no escaping you.
Its not like I can argue say that the world is against us, I cant deny that. I wish I could reassure you and your heart by giving you the peace of mind that it will work out in the end… but who knows the answer to life’s questions like these?
Honestly, I’ll never know if it will… and we’ll never know that it wouldn’t unless we try… for real this time-and I know that if we don’t give this the right chance, five years from now I’ll still be wondering what could have been and regret letting you go, you’re right.
You make me fall apart in all the right ways, but stubborn as I am to show how vulnerable I really am- I box myself out and don’t let the words fall from my mouth like i’d like you to be able to hear from yourself- watch me mouth them right in front of you.
More than anything- if you promise to make me happy for the rest of my life, be the man I deserve, promise to be the father for my children that I never had and always dreamed of someday, hold me when I need you- and when I don’t… and promise to let me be the woman you’ve drempt of all your life and let me take care of you… I would love to spend the rest of my life with you…
with: no reservations.
ALRIGHT FELLOW FABERRY LOVERS TIME TO GET SCHOOLED ON SOMETHING I JUST REALIZED.
NOW SOME OF YOU MIGHT BE TO YOUNG TO REMEMBER THE SHOW “POPULAR” IT RAN FOR TWO SEASONS FROM 1999 TO 2001 AND WAS WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY RYAN FUCKING MURPHY. SO LET ME GIVE YA’LL A BRIEF RUNDOWN.
THIS IS BROOK MCQUEEN
HEAD CHEERLEADER IN THE SHOW. DADDY’S LITTLE GIRL. OBSESSED WITH POPULARITY ON THE OUTSIDE BUT SO DAMAGED AND FRAGILE ON THE INSIDE. EVEN HAD A PREGNANCY SCARE. SOUND FAMILIAR? LOOK FAMILIAR? OH WAIT CAN YOU SAY SPLITTING IMAGE OF QUINN FABRAY?
ALRIGHT GLEEKS AND THIS IS SAM MCPHERSON.
LEADER OF THE LOSERS AT THEIR SCHOOL. OBSESSED WITH HER FUTURE AS A PHOTO JOURNALIST. COMPLETELY OPINIONATED ABOUT EVERYTHING. PASSIONATE ABOUT HER LIFE BUT VERY INSECURE ABOUT HER LOOKS. SOUND FAMILIAR? LOOK FAMILIAR? OH WAIT CAN YOU SAY SPLITTING IMAGE OF RACHEL BERRY?
SO SAM AND BROOKE OFTEN FOUGHT OVER THIS BOY. JOSH FORD.
QUARTERBACK AT THE SCHOOL. DIMWITTED. ALWAYS MANAGED TO COME OUT OF IT SMELLING LIKE ROSES THOUGH. SOUND FAMILIAR? LOOK FAMILIAR?OH WAIT CAN YOU SAY SPLITTING IMAGE OF FINN HUDSON?
SO YOU’VE GOT SAM AND BROOKE WHO ARE AT THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE ENDS OF THE SOCIAL SPECTRUM. LIKE THIS.
OR THIS?
BUT!!!!! THESE TWO CHARACTERS HAVE AMAZING CHEMISTRY. EVERYONE CAN SEE IT. LIKE THIS.
OR THIS?
SO ALL OF US SHIPPERS GET HOOKED ON THEM. DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED IN THE SEASON TWO FINALE?
BROOKE (QUINN) GETS HIT BY A CAR (GETS INTO A CAR ACCIDENT).
AND THE SCREEN GOES BLACK…TO BE CONTINUED.
ONLY IT NEVER WAS.
THE SHOW GOT TANKED.
BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN IN SEASON THREE?
SAM (RACHEL) WAS SUPPOSED TO COME TO TERMS WITH HER SEXUALITY AND REALIZE THAT HER FEELINGS FOR JOSH (FINN) WERE ONLY THERE BECAUSE IT MADE HER FEEL CLOSER TO BROOKE (QUINN).
BUT WE NEVER GOT THAT. I SWEAR TO GOD RYAN MURPHY! DID YOU THINK NO ONE WOULD NOTICE?!!!!!
AND THAT HAS BEEN A BRIEF HISTORY IN RYAN MURPHY FUCKING WITH NON-CANON SHIPPERS SINCE 2001.
ANYONE HAVE ANY QUESTIONS?
IF RYAN MURPHY IS USING QUINN AND RACHEL TO FINISH WHAT HE STARTED (BUT NEVER GOT TO FINISH) WITH SAM AND BROOKE I WILL TAKE BACK EVERY NEGATIVE THING I’VE EVER SAID ABOUT THIS MAN AND BOW AT HIS FEET.
Oh well, would you look at that.
(via sheg0)
i followed you to the door, you stormed out like a tornado and all i could do was put one foot in front of the other, silent. I couldn’t say anything… I just watched at the door shut right infront of my face…
at that moment, i knew I had a choice to make… i’d either continue on like I had for so long… walking through a closed door only to follow you… never to be followed… or to be left with an open door for that matter… or i’d turn around… walk away and deal with the time allotted for getting through the lonely nights… and even lonelier mornings… and go about my day as if we never existed…
finally, I got tired of following you around like a lost puppy, while you were just kicking at me to stay back…. you got your wish...
&& now… im getting mine.
my wish:
all that time I wanted the little things.& that’s what he’s all about…
— My phone goes off and I rush out the door before I even open it… I know what it say’s… as the door shuts behind me- “i’m here”- halfway there, halfway to him… I can feel the smile bursting from my lips and the butterflies in my heart and stomach, yes… in my heart. The car door opens… and there he is…
Such a familiar face, a nice one to grow used to… but everyday it’s a different look… today… all it said was..
“this is my man… ”
-why? -goomsh.
Life comes in spans of good and bad. We’ve somehow turned into a society that inevitably expects the worst to happen… and think that something good only happens in movies. I’ve realized that I have been no different in thinking that. I walked away from things that I should’ve tried harder to mend, I’ve stayed when I should’ve given up, I’ve broken beautiful things… I’ve always hoped for the best, no matter what. -Growing up, I thought to myself all the time: it couldn’t have been that bad, or been too hard, or else I wouldn’t have made it this far to think about what just happened… right? The amount of optimism that I now think may have been close to insanity. Thinking back to my mentality of life on that level… how I ever made it through the shit I did… there’s no way I could do it now. I respect myself for that, too. Somehow, it seems like when I look back on my memories of my “former me”… it’s just that, another me, someone else even. Now, too much homework stresses me out to the point where I’m pulling out my hair. -Back then, with screaming, fighting, slamming doors, highschool drama, mean girls, sports, school, and the constant terror of abuse knocking at my door… I just turned my music up and said “its just another day… as long as the ambulance isn’t called… we’re okay.” -I guess I’ve gotten soft, I used to be a million times stronger, or… I guess I just had to be. -It makes me nervous to think of how much I’ve loosened up- if another time like that comes around… I wouldn’t make it… -Then again, that’s pretty negative, right? Then again, in another’s eyes it could be seen as wise to prepare for and anticipate the worst. I also know that there is a possibility that I am stronger now then I was then, in the aspect of hindsight anyhow. -I would make better decisions concerning repeated situations. Realizing now though, it’s been so long since things have been crazy, it’s really only a matter of time before they return to “normal” right?
After all, the monster does get out in four short months…
And I can’t say whether or not there is any way to mentally prepare myself for what lays ahead that path… -Quite frankly, it terrifies me.
-the nightmares are back.
in the darkness of the room nothing else existed
just your warm body laying next to mine…
The pounding of our hearts together as one
and the rush of air that our lungs gasped for…
The way your lips found mine without a ray of light
and how our hands crept up to one another like
we knew exactly where they’d be.
the blood rushing through my veins was uncontrollable,
unable to be resisted…
I walked away thinking that two people could find another…
if I just gave it time..
After I’ve spend so long looking, I’m convinced that there is none…
I’m pounding, screaming, begging… running back to your door…
I just want to tell you that I wasn’t right…
Maybe if we tried again… maybe it might…
I never thought it to be possible… but now..
… I see …
and we met…
when we were fourteen…
I am afraid, no terrified, of admitting… even to myself…
what I feel is true…
-Until I decide to do what is right and be who I really am…
I’ll keep lying.. not only to myself… but to everyone…
who knows maybe I’ll start to believe my lies eventually…
I can’t believe… what I think I have known for a long time…
But, I have to push it back… this isn’t a pill I think I can ever swallow…
